Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Be Still-- There is a Healer

This week is all about starting to move things back to our brand of normal.
Putting routines back in place and finding my rhythm and "normal" again.
And to be honest, I think it's going to take more than a week.
Mr. Steady and I are still battling fatigue from these last few weeks. My defenses are down. I feel like I'm wearing all my emotions piled one on top of the other on my sleeve and everyone is bumping in to the mess of them.
I want to be quiet.
I want to be loud.
I want to cry.
I want to laugh.

And I need to just be.
Be alone.
Be with just my man.
Be with my little family.
Be with the extended family.
and most importantly....
I need to just truly:
Be Still.

My heart and soul has been put through a ringer this past few weeks. There's been good, there's been real good, there's been starts of healing, there's been pain and suffering, and there's been some bad that's up and smacked me in the face, bad that's been aimed right at me and to be honest- has sent me reeling.Running for cover... to lick my wounds.
Bad that's stomped on the people-pleaser parts of me. Bad that's made me want to wail, to cry foul, to race forward to right the wrongs and expose the wrong-doers.
And in all of this, my husband aches with his father's passing and family dynamics shift and I come along side him, determined to step forward and be his help and one to lean on. And stand against the onslaught of harsh words and looks and do what needs doing.
I feel like I've been in a battle that no one won
And I find myself in need of some recovery. To retreat and regroup.

I've tried getting lost in a good book... I've started five different ones and none have captured my attention.
I've tried movies and Netflixing old TV shows.... same thing. I want to get lost in a story that takes me far away from these days and this hurt.
I feel like the world has moved on and I'm stuck. Stuck right where I'm at and not moving forward.

So I'm doing the only things I know how to do...
Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Taking each day as it comes and tackling only that day's agenda.
I'm steeping myself in my kids.
Snuggling close, listening to his heart beat and whispering sweet nothings to my Mister.

And most of all- I'm grabbing my Bible with both hands tight-fisted.
I'm reading Galatians
and some Thessalonians
and James.
I've skipped into Romans
and wallowed in Philippians.
I've put tears on the Psalms...
murmuring specific favorites as heart cried prayers.

After all- this right here is good advice:
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.
Matthew 11:28-30

That right there, that scripture- those words-- that's me. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I need to get away and recover my life.
I need a real rest.
I need His unforced rhythms of grace.

And so I'm praying the meat of Matthew 11:28-30. I'm asking Jesus to meet me right where I'm at and show me my next step. I'm giving myself grace for not having it all together yet, for not being back on top of things, for not bringing my "A" game. I'm allowing myself to hurt but not to wallow in it. Jesus and I- we're working on healing me.
I'm not jumping back into everything with gusto. I'm being quiet.
There's more, but the bottom line is this-- I'm giving myself and my people time to adjust- giving us all grace.
We're taking things slow and wrapping ourselves all up in each other.

No, I'm not quite okay.
And that's alright.
Jesus holds me tight.


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