Monday, March 11, 2013

20-1=19 and counting

Today I am musing and typing right off the top of my head and the very middlest of my heart....
16 years....
17 years together
18 years last year... spent doing this.
And just a few weeks ago, I wrote this about us.

Tomorrow we will celebrate N I N E T E E N years of marriage.
19.

Some of the things we like to say about us:
Our marriage is the perfect match of two imperfect people.
I love how you love me in spite of me.
I love you more today than I did yesterday.
The key to a happy marriage is keeping God in the middle.

Nineteen years ago today was our wedding rehearsal and all I could think about was how much I was ready to stop rehearsing it all and just marry you already!

On our wedding day, my face hurt from smiling so much. I just couldn't stop.

I loved every bit of that day... well, except for the part where the bat flew in the house when you carried me over the threshold. That, not so much.
Or the part where I was left trying to get out of my dress by myself while I heard you and the crashing and awful noises downstairs as you were trying to catch that bat.

I remember it all still so vividly. From the butterflies in my stomach, the shaking in my Dad's arm as he walked me down the aisle, the tears in your eyes when you saw me, how my feet pinched in those fancy shoes I just had to have because they were just too much utter perfection.... from the songs that were sung, to the words the pastor spoke to us,  the slipping of the rings on our fingers and on and on....
I remember it all.
And I remember thinking that nothing could  be better than that day.
How very impractical of me.

Over the course of the years we've tested out the hard, unvarnished truth in our vows. We've learned a deeper understanding each day of what it means to have and to hold. For all of our days.

I am no longer that starry eyed, fiercely independent past the stubborn and oh so very naive twenty year old who decided to take your name because you took my heart. There is grey in my hair now,a few to a dozen plus extra pounds on my frame, a thick scar on my belly from having our children, a wound on my heart from the child we lost. I'm stronger and yet not. I have laugh lines because we always have so much laughter. I've learned to cast aside the fierce independence in order to be your help meet and grow this marriage and life with you. I've learned what it means to filter my wants and needs through God before bringing them to you and how that strengthens our marriage. I've learned to be a mama while you learned to be a daddy and I think we're doing alright at those jobs, (by the grace of God, I must add). I'm okay with the me I am right now today, because when you look at me, I am so much more in your eyes.
Our marriage has gifted me with so much more than I had ever dreamed it could or would. How very incredibly God blesses us, my dearest Mr. Steady. Your steadiness that so unnerved me when we first started dating is now so very necessary to me. Your gentle love, care and pursuit of me through all these years has smoothed away much of my rough edges and calmed my spirit. You speak right to the very heart of me, as if God directly designed you just for me.
Which He did.
Which is so completely beyond the reach of the stars amazing.
And leads me to think He must love me a whole lotta lots to do such a thing.

I love you big.
I love you deep.
I love you wide.
I love you long.
I love you mine.

I love you to the height of forever.



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