Friday, March 16, 2012

Trust and stepping into the unexpected fray




Blessed are those who trust in the LORD 
      and have made the LORD their hope and confidence.
                                                         Jeremiah 17:7

 My Word of the Year: Trust.
I love how God keeps bringing it to my attention and reminding me that this is a Year of Trust.
Trusting in Him. In my husband. In our decisions... In our family.
Trust.
I find it interesting that I should feel the need to turn this word inside out and examine it... and try it out.
Trust.
Trusting in me... who He has made me to be. Who He continues to make me to be.

Oh how I find that interesting. I ponder on that often.
Here I sit at 38 years young and have only come into my skin bit by bit these last few years... while part of me wants to look back and sniffle at time wasted.... the take charge, move forward me puts my trust squarely where it needs to be- in His hands and says:
Here I am. Send me.

Those very words- part of my prayer to start out this year with my trust all in Him.
Part of me expected something big. Or at least something out of the realm of my norm.
Instead I get God reminding me that I am exactly right where he wants me doing exactly what He wants me to do....
staying home
homeschooling
helping Mr. Steady
running a home
volunteering in church ministries
lovin' my family

Not exactly what I expect.... while I didn't expect to be sent to a far-flung foreign country (although I was secretly excited that I might), I did expect something more.... more than...

Trust.
Trust me to know exactly what you need, he whispers in my doubting.
Quit trying to guess what I'm planning and run ahead of me.
Quit trying to do my job for me.
Trust me. I've got this.

And He does.
He most certainly does.

He knew when He reminded me of this call to homeschool that I would hit the wall the 2nd week of February 2012. That I would quake with my heart hurting, left to ponder in my completely selfish pity party that I am not completely up to this task. I would hide behind my ideals... that I must present myself in complete awesomeness as a wife, mom, homeschooler and Christian....
My ideal and my reality collided painfully.
My ideal-- my thought process is that I must be on my homeschool game at all times, in all circumstances. I must present the ideal homeschool lifestyle so that I can continually prove the homeschooling naysayers in my life wrong. They won't be able to point their fingers at me and say, "See, I told you so. This was bad idea. You are ruining your children's lives."
I felt I must present this perfect facade even with my homeschooling friends- because I feel my slip-ups are judged, that I'm not measuring up. Its more than a feeling, it's been proven right a time or two.... times when I shared my heart- my difficulties and questions with a homeschooling friend only to have it brought up in front of others "just in jest"... yet I didn't think it was funny and I walked away feeling "failure" was pasted on a note on my back....
It continues to build from there in my mind... I paste on my perfect homeschool mom face and march my children out with strict instructions to behave....
and for what?
So that I can look good in front of others?
So I can prove somebody wrong?
Is this what defines my homeschooling?

No.
In the beginning homeschooling was one of the most easiest and rewarding things in my life...now 6 years later, its still the most rewarding but its no longer the easiest. Some days its golden and others its a drudgery for me as well as the kids.
God reminded me that I do not do this for the accolades and pat on the backs. I don't do it so that others can say, "Wow, your children are so smart."
I do it because He has asked me to.
That is my enough. My reason to.
In fact, it's more than enough.

So I stepped out and stepped up and I stood tall at the beginning of the year and I said,
Lord
Lord (sometimes I call to Him twice to make sure He's listening)
Lord (or three times), I want to do big things for you. I want to be your girl. Here I am. Send me. Lord, I trust you. Lead me.

And He has- He sends me every morning to tend and teach my children.

I am ashamed that I have questioned the importance of this job.... and am thankful for His recent reminders that what I am doing today isn't just for this twenty-four hour period or to make a mark on the next twenty-four years... but instead, what I am doing is shaping the generations to come after me.

That, my dear readers, puts the importance of my job
into a much bigger picture.


Lord- I know that when I said "I trust you. Put me to work." that I thought You were going to really put me to work in some bigger more out there ways. Forgive me for not seeing the assignment you'd already laid right in front of me. For not seeing that I was already in the midst of it. Thank you for opening my eyes to truly see the big stuff going on right here in my little home. Thank you for the reminder that the ministry of motherhood is incredibly important. Equip me, Lord. My trust is in You. You are my hope. You are my confidence. Send me into the fray. I'm yours.

1 comment:

  1. Amy, I'm in tears here. I needed to read this so badly today. To hear the reminder that God's mission for me, his plan, his purpose, is RIGHT HERE--at least for the time being. Right here--as a wife, a homemaker, a student. That the best way I can serve him is by fulfilling those vocations to the best of my ability.

    Thank you for the reminder that I'm not the only one who goes through this. That He's there for me as well as you. He's there for all of us.

    Hugs to you, dear Amy!

    ReplyDelete

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