Thursday, March 29, 2012

Good Change, worry & fret, And God's wholeness

As I've gotten older, I've noticed that I don't handle change as well as I use to.
Not well at all.
Example: A couple of years ago my brother-in-law found us a very nice, very reasonable, very reliable car to replace our aging, ailing, high mileage Taurus.  My brother-in-law is a mechanic and he'd worked on the car- he knew it was a step up for us and he even helped us sell our Taurus and get the most moola we could from it. It was a win, win situation.
Except that I missed my Taurus.
Something fierce.
Even though it was in constant need of repairs and was, in fact, due for $1500 in repairs when my brother-in-law found the new car... I seriously disliked all the money we kept sinking into that thing on an annual basis.
But other than that, I loved that car.
We had it for over nine years. I was use to it- I liked how it drove, how it handled, its size, its trunk capacity, its cup holders...
It did surprise me to miss that car. After all, it was just a car. And I'd never "missed" a car before this one... but miss it I did. My hubby, my brother and my brother-in-law gave me weird looks and shook their heads. How could I miss a car that was causing us such trouble and money? But I did. I just did.
We've had our new car for almost 2 years.
I drive it. I like it. But I don't love it. I still miss that Taurus. Weird, I know.
I still have to really hunt for it in big parking lots- I don't have "the eye" for it like I did the Taurus. I've actually gone up to other vehicles and thought they were my car... I'm still not quite use to the different sound it makes when you start it- I still expect that start up noise of the Taurus...

All this background to say, change is happening here...
And I thought I'd like it.
And in some ways I do. I love the new look of my dining room and living room and the changes we're planning for the kitchen.
I don't like the chaos and stuff sitting here and there from all these changes.
Or the plethora of boxes and bags on my front porch of stuff to get rid of.
Plus we're still doing school, and laundry, and dusting and daily life, and we just got the kitchen sink back in after being out on the porch for six days and we couldn't use the counter tops for those days as they cured and now my kitchen cabinet doors are off their hinges and I am now really visually in-your-face reminded how much stuff clutters those cupboards...
We bought a new car for Mr. Steady on Sunday.
Which led me to this-- I crumbled a bit this week. Perhaps you could say I came unhinged a bit like those cabinet doors...
I'm in the midst of some pretty big changes and I find myself a bit anxious...
okay, more than a bit- I had an itty bitty panic attack earlier this week.
And I told Mr. Steady I just wanted to cry. He  told me to do it. I replied that if I started, I didn't think I could stop and so... stiff upper lip and all that...
Except I can't

What's a girl to do?
Create a new pocket verse, that's what.
The verses I've been reciting in my head over and over these last few days...

Don't fret or worry. 
Instead of worrying,
Let petitions and praises 
shape your worries into prayers,
letting God know your concerns.
Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness,
everything coming together for good,
will come and settle you down.
It's wonderful what happens when Christ
displaces worry at the center of your life.
Philippians 4:6-7

Ah, God's wholeness...
settling me down.
While I still doubt I'll be one of those gals who can "roll with the changes"... I know that change has a purpose- that the plans my God has for me are good and full of hope (Jeremiah 29:11).
This change that's going on in my life? It's all good! Yet, I'm still freaking out... such good, good stuff and I have to put my head between my knees because of that rushing, pressing pressure feeling....
and I know- I know that its okay to not be okay.
To not have it all together.
To not exactly be embracing all change with arms wide open.
Its okay to tell Him I'm struggling, to admit here I'm struggling with such a thing as good change.
Its okay to write it out and tuck it in my pocket to be pulled out and studying over when I'm overwhelmed.
Its called meditating on the scripture day and night. And I need it. Boy, do I need it.
Be at the center Jesus.
Otherwise, even good change isn't good.


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