Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The reminder that I matter

Oh, it's that itchy time of year....
Cabin Fever has set in... perhaps its this odd winter weather we've experienced but this I know- this is the worst case of Cabin Fever we've ever had!
And it's hanging on like a bad cold!

This past week was it. In my mama's words, I had "just about had it up to here" with it all.
And when it gets like that I know I need to pull back and regroup... which means I need some serious alone, quiet time. Unfortunately, that was not on the agenda last week- our schedule was just way too full.
I was able to carve out an hour of time one evening, while the kiddos and Mr. Steady watched some Netflix, I went to bed early. As in 8 o'clock early.
Sometimes you just have to send yourself to your room.
I piled extra pillows on the bed, cranked up the heated mattress cover, climbed in and read over Ephesians, made some notes in my journal and then I just laid down and stayed quiet. I let my thoughts drift for awhile and just spent some time talking with Jesus about how any handle I could have had on the stuff of my life had not only fallen off but had completely disappeared in the chaos.
I think he chuckled.
That small hour of time of precious and necessary. I crave more pockets of time like that in my days but I know that isn't always possible in this season of life. And I'm mostly okay with that because I know beyond a doubt that I wouldn't change or give up what we're doing right here in this little yellow farmhouse in the middle of a tiny little town.
The chaos continues unabated this week too. But God gave me a smile today- a reminder and re-affirmation that we continue to be called to this homeschooling lifestyle, not only that- he allowed me an outsider view of the good that's going on here, the difference I am helping to make in the lives of three zany, active kiddos. I cling to that bit of affirmation today as if I captured it in a box and stuck it in my pocket.
What I am doing matters.
It really, truly does and while my name isn't on a corporate header or the cover of a book and I'm not pulling in a six-figure salary and getting my picture in the papers... this all matters more than I can count the cost of it.
I am important and what I do matters.
I am the manager of this family and my boss is God Almighty.
I don't pull in the big bucks but my emotional bank account overflows most days with the love that is spilled out in this house.
I'm not in the paper because of some great works but it's pretty terrific that I've taught a boy to read, tie his shoes, multiply by 2s, 3s and 5s, find the North Star.... my girls how to budget, calculate gas mileage, read a recipe then tweak it, write stories, find coordinates, write a bibliography, determine artists of great works of art,  why the feudal system could never truly work, how to diagram a sentence, label the gerunds, and on and on and on....
What I do matters.
When I fall onto my bed exhausted each night, when I crunch numbers and rework the budget so we can afford that high powered microscope, when I give up those craved pockets of me time...
I know it's worth it... way worth it.

So today, I'd like to say- Thanks God for the smile- for the outside glimpse of my crazy life that tugged my heart and opened my eyes to the appeal of it all... to the reminder of why I daily do this.
To the reminder that I matter.


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