Wednesday, May 4, 2011

In Our Lives of Love For God

There are moments in the quiet… at night when I can’t sleep… that my heart beats fast with the thought of all the life I’ve got to live and my wonder if I’m doing it right…
I think of my children and all the prayers I must continually pray for them… the contingencies I must name for a proper prayer covering…
I fret over money and the lack there of, of debts and dreams cast aside and the dreams I cannot bear to dream… just in case…
Just in case… mustn’t get our hopes up… only to be torn to pieces…
 I can just about hear my heartbeat ringing in my ears, vibrating all of me-- a tough, hard staccato…
Worry has invaded me and just about swallowed me whole…
I think on things I should not and shoo away other thoughts, much more logical thoughts…
I sink… deep..
What if…
What if…
What if…
Oh, I dare not dream the dreams that dare to pull at my heart strings… they will only fail.
I will fail.
I stuff it down deep, wrap it up tight and put a lock on it for the day
But it comes out at night
I want to scream but there is only silence and that silence seems to scream louder than I could ever…
I’ve lost myself here…
It’s late and I cannot sleep
I fail.
Failure is always an option.
And then….
It’s okay.
Yes. It really is.
Its okay…… this whispers thru the defining silence…
It’s okay.
My heartbeat has beaten a rhythm it knows well, ohsowell, a rhythm that my head cannot decipher but it is known.
Yes, it is known.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, 
God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. 
If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. 
He does our praying in and for us,
making prayer out of our wordless sighs, 
our aching groans. 
He knows us far better than we know ourselves, 
knows our… condition, and keeps us present before God. 
That's why we can be so sure that every detail 
in our lives of love for God
is worked into something good.
Romans 8:26-28

Even my groaning, my wordless sighs… my silent screams are deciphered and known by Him. He already knows my innermost thoughts; He is privy to the worries that swamp me in the wee hours… He is there…
He knows.
It hits me like thunder—loud and hard
 And I’m breathless, my ears ring and my heart soars… He knows.
He knows.
He knows.
Yes, He knows and I need to know this.
Heart deep, engraved there, I need to know.
He knows my hopes, my dreams, my fears, my nightmares even if I never speak them aloud to another living soul…. He knows.
And He wants me to know.
He wants me to name.
Fear loosens when it is called out and named.
That seems pretty profound at 2 am.
I also realize that my dreams are not silly, they are not whims…
They are mine. They are gifts.
He knows my deep love for my children and my concerns that they have good, walking in Him lives… He has promised that to me and to them… Jeremiah 29:11…
He is here in this moment when I get tired in the waiting…
And he assures me that the simple prayer “Lord your will be done today” is really a very precious prayer…. Is really a proper prayer covering.
Oh, Holy Spirit…. Keep me present before God.
Lord, guide my footsteps that I may walk in Your way.
Daily.
Jesus- Help me to name my dreams as well as the nightmares… that the latter would not destroy the former. Jesus, you know what delights me… you know the dreams I’m dreamin’… help me to be brave enough to put it out there… and Jesus, please, oh, please if my dreams are not in alignment with Your will please take them from me, change my dreams so that they match up with Yours. Those are the dreams I want to have. Those are the dreams that no nightmarish fear can withstand…
Help me to dream, Jesus.
Not just in the night where these best dreams now swirl…
But help to dream in the Daylight… to see, to feel and to know…
Oh, Jesus help me to know… these details, this life of love I live for you… I don’t have to wonder if I’m doing it right if I’m given it over to you… ‘cause that’s the rightest it can ever be… work me into something good.
Daily.
That's why we can be so sure that every detail 
in our lives of love for God 
is worked into something good.

1 comment:

  1. Fretting keeps me up at night too. I slept so much easier before I had kids! Now I have so much more to worry about. Wishing you lots of peaceful sleep :-)

    ReplyDelete

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