Thursday, April 29, 2010

Aches and pains

It is difficult for me to admit but I really bottomed out there for a few months.
My heart took a hard hit and I didn’t bounce.
I have never been laid so low by something that didn’t include a fever and medicine…
Someone I dearly love, deeply hurt me.
With words and deeds.
Lots of them.
I struggled under the weight of them and felt I would collapse. This happened at the beginning of the year- during the darkest part of winter. I felt that darkness and cold
To. The. Bone.

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?


I functioned… took care of the basics of hearth and home.
Some times I even laughed…
Some days I almost, almost got away from it…
But always, always in the background was that shadow of dark hurt and pain.
Yes, I brushed up against depression…
I sat with it for awhile.

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

I remember one particular day when the someone lashed out at me- painfully harsh… the wounds and pain went deep… deeper than I thought possible to hurt without physical affliction.
I was knocked down and could not get up.
I felt like someone K.O.ed me.
Mr. Steady held me as a wept and wept and tucked me in bed.
At 5 pm.
I cried as I told him I just couldn’t keep going that day… I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me, the wind knocked out of me and the door shut on me.
I curled up in a ball on the bed and wept some more.
He brought me supper in bed and gasped at the sight of my eyes so swollen…
He prayed over me.
And I slept.
I prayed and cried out to God.
And I slept.
It was a long day and night.

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

The next day, it took effort to get up… I prayed with determination and went about my day.
And the next…
And the next…
Each day starting new… each day another prayer…
And somehow, while there were no major revelations, or that A-ha moment…
While the painful flooding didn’t recede in a day…
The waves did not overtake me…
The undertow didn’t hold me down…
Jesus was and is ever faithful and He stands right next to me.
He holds my hand through the darkest days as well as through the lightest…
The darkness and cold of the winter in my heart and soul gave way to the shining light and melting warmth of spring… The Son shines…

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

I am pulling up on the other side.
I don’t know when, I can’t pin-point the exact moment…
But I know this:

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

So without anything majorly major… just the moment by moment living stuff…
God pulled me through.
He walked beside me.
He carried me…
And I am better.
I am beyond just functioning… have been for awhile now.
He quieted me with His love and rejoiced over me… [Zephaniah 3:17]
While it wasn’t the immediate change I begged for in prayer… or the other changes I asked for…
It was a change nonetheless.
You can’t go through that and not come out the other side--- different.
There is a quietness in my heart and spirit that I have never experienced before. A peace that goes beyond all that He has bestowed upon me before.
While restoration with the someone has not quite come… I rest in God’s most competent assurance that He is in control.
The storm still rages and while I am not eager to swim in the deep, I do not fear it.
He continues to be with me through it all.
He holds my head above water.
He is never out of reach.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Amy,

    That was absolutely beautiful! I know God allows the hardships and trials...some feeling as if we will never survive them. But if we keep our eyes on Him, He will see us through. The beautiful thing about going through those earth-shaking hardships, is that we are given an opportunity to KNOW and see God in a new way...much deeper and precious! For that reason, we can give thanks in ALL things!

    You have such a beautiful way of putting your thoughts and feelings into words!

    Hugs, Carolyn ~ Cottage Sunshine

    ReplyDelete

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